


and feeling less means hurting less

by Fake_Ruby



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, F/F, pining vivian, repressed lesbian vivian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 03:50:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20185798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fake_Ruby/pseuds/Fake_Ruby
Summary: Vivian's love for women comes out as rudeness. Until it doesn't.





	and feeling less means hurting less

**Author's Note:**

> title from hurt me harder by zolita
> 
> not beta'd

Vivian let out a breath as soon as the door closed. 

_Well, that went terribly._

Vivian knows she’s supposed to marry a man. A prince. But she feels nothing for men.

Women, on the other hand, make her feel things she knows she shouldn’t. And the serving girl, Guinevere, is perhaps the most beautiful woman she has ever met.

And Vivian was just incredibly rude to her.

Being mean keeps people away. It stops men from putting her in the situation of accepting or rejecting their advances, and prevents her from getting too close to a woman.

She can’t say she feels guilty for the way she treats men. She doesn’t want them anywhere near her. But she feels the guilt instantly whenever she’s rude to a woman. 

That doesn’t stop her from being rude when Guinevere returns to tend to her in the evening.

Vivian complains that the chicken is too dry and the beans too cold. She’s especially short with Guinevere when the servant helps her into her nightgown. Her dismissal is cold and she refuses to watch as Guinevere leaves the room, trying to ignore the pain in her chest as she hears Guinevere sigh. 

Vivian rolls over in the bed, staring at the door longingly. She thinks of Guinevere’s fingers on her bare skin as the woman helped her change. She thinks of Guinevere’s smile as she spoke to Prince Arthur’s manservant. She longs for the woman to be hers. She longs to feel Guinevere, to taste her, to love her.

Vivian is hardly aware of the tears streaming down her face until she hears the sob escape her. 

The door suddenly opens and light spills into her chambers. 

“Apologies _my lady,_ I forgot-” Guinevere cuts herself off as she suddenly notices Vivian’s state.

“Are you alright, my lady?”

Vivian covers her face in shame.

“Leave immediately,” she attempts to say icily, but her voice cracks and betrays her.

“Vivian is there something I can-.”

“That’s Lady Vivian to you,” Vivian snaps.

Guinevere takes a step back, looking as if she’s been slapped.

“Apologies, my lady. I’ll just be leaving then.” 

“Wait.”

Guinevere pauses.

“Yes, my lady?”

“Please don’t go,” Vivian whispers.

Guinevere takes a tentative step forward.

“My lady?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to treat you badly. And I don’t want you to call me a lady. I don’t want to be a lady.” 

“I’m not sure I understand, my lady.”

Vivian sighs, shifting so she’s sitting with her legs over the side of the bed.

“Come sit with me. Please.”

Guinevere looks slightly suspicious but she does as she’s asked. Vivian takes a deep breath before speaking, staring straight ahead so as to avoid Guinevere’s gaze.

“I hurt people because then they can’t hurt me. It makes them stay away.”

“That’s really no way to live, my lady.”

“Please Guinevere, call me Vivian.”

“Okay, Vivian. Call me Gwen.” Gwen rewards her with a small smile, and Vivian feels a fluttering in her stomach.

“I’m afraid of my feelings for women, so I push them away because it’s easier. But then it hurts them… and me.”

“Your feelings for women?”

“They are how one should feel for a man,” Vivian says, fixing her gaze on the wall in front of her. 

“Oh,” Gwen says. Her voice is soft but it sounds harsh and loud in the silence of the room.

“And then I met you and…” Vivian takes a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve never met someone so beautiful.”

Vivian holds her breath, listening to the sound of her heart beating as she awaits a response. When none comes, she winces.

“I shouldn’t have said that. You may go.”

“What? No. I’m just… processing,” Gwen finally says.

Vivian glances over at the other woman, noting the confusion on her face.

“Do you think it’s wrong for me to feel such things?”

“No,” Gwen’s response is immediate and firm. “I think it’s wrong to treat others badly, but it’s not wrong to love.”

Vivian continues to stare ahead as she asks her next question.

“Are you disgusted by me?”

“No. Of course not. You clearly want to do better, to be better. And as for your love of women, well, I understand that quite well.”

Vivian feels a hand come to rest on her shoulder, and she turns her head only to find Gwen’s face right in front of her. They’re so close she can feel Gwen’s hot breath against her mouth. The moment seems to last forever, the air tense as they stare into each other’s eyes. Then they unfreeze at the same time, moving forward to capture the other’s lips with their own. The kiss is soft and sweet and makes Vivian feel things she’s never experienced before.

It doesn’t last long and before Vivian knows it, Gwen is pulling away. Vivian rests her forehead on Gwen’s, breathing heavily.

“Wow,” is all Vivian can say.

“Yeah. Wow,” Gwen replies, smiling at her.

And wow, that smile. Vivian can’t help but lean forward and press her lips to Gwen’s again.

“I’m gonna need a lot more of this,” Vivian says when she releases Gwen again.

“I’ll be happy to serve you,” Gwen says, and Vivian had no idea she could be so cheeky. 

Vivian laughs, happy and free and unashamed. She’s going to be a lot nicer in the future, that’s for sure.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments appreciated!


End file.
